Day 76: Triple Hilarious, Pee In My Pants Funny 

Yesterday’s Thanksgiving post got me thinking of the funniest email I’ve ever received. I had to go searching…. The below is an adjusted, business coaching, version of it. 

If you read this and don’t laugh your butt off… there’s something wrong with you and you should immediately check yourself into Emergency.

While you’re there waiting, you should definitely listen to my new Podcast ‘Business Coaching Secrets!”

Anyhoo…

The below is a play by play of a certain short, incredibly handsome, sans belly button, business coach that accidentally got roped into judging a Hot Chili Content in New Mexico.

Chili Cook-Off

 “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.

I’m a business coach so they figured I’d somehow be a good judge.

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there, wrong place – wrong time, at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck when the call came in…

I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Unsuspecting Business Coach) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

I hope these guys buy some business coaching from me when I’m done.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 (Unsuspecting Business Coach) — Keep this out of the reach of children.

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.

They had to rush in more free beer for me when they saw my eyes start to cross.

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 (Unsuspecting Business Coach) — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill.

My nose feels like I have been snorting Extra Strength Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more free beer before I ignite.

Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 (Unsuspecting Business Coach) — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.

Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.

Sally weighs in at about 300 pounds, she’s wearing pants that don’t fit, has ketchup all over her apron and she’s starting to look pretty damn HOT…

Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating!

Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 (Unsuspecting Business Coach) — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring down my face and I can no longer control my eye movement.

I accidentally, everything is accidental at this point, let a fart go with four people behind me.

One starting gagging and three threw up.  

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.

Sally stopped my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.

I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. I got annoyed when the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 (Unsuspecting Business Coach) — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.

I crapped out a little when I farted, and I’m worried it might eat through the chair.

No one is willing to walk behind me.

Except, Sally.

Can’t feel my lips anymore. I’m going to need to wipe my butt with a snow cone later.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 (Unsuspecting Business Coach) — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing.

I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered in chili, at this point about half it just slides unnoticed out of my mouth.

My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me.

If not, I figure Sally can fill them in.

I’ve decided to stop breathing.

It’s too painful.

I’m not really getting any oxygen anyway.

If I need air, I’ll just ask Sally for mouth to mouth. If that doesn’t work she can use the new 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 (Unsuspecting Business Coach) — Judge #3 Unable to report.

——

Your TWO THINGS Today Are:

• Do not take yourself too seriously.
• Forward this to a friend who needs a good hard belly laugh.

I hope you’re enjoying Thanksgiving break and having lotsa laughs with your family and friends.

If you’re not in the US… do what I’m doing and pretend to be.  

I’ll speak to you on Monday.

Obsessed with your business coaching success,

Karl Bryan aka Sally’s one-night stand

PS. “Grant me caffeine to change the things I can change.

And alcohol to accept the things I cannot.”

They tell me my new Podcast, ‘Business Coaching Secrets’ is both entertaining as well as informative.  

Check it out HERE

Here are some of my favorite online reviews:

 ‘Karl and RodeDog rival Gary Vee and D Rock.’

‘Karl Bryan is an underrated Marketing Genius.’

‘For a guy with no belly button great things come from his mouth.’

‘Karl Bryan is in a league of his own.’

‘If you’re a business coach this is Captain Obvious.’

‘Karl has a brilliant mind.’

“Dishing out checks and scoring points…”

Missed a day? Catch up here.